joshhansen.net

Category: soul-ish

Religion, philosophy, spirituality writ large

  • A Return to Blogism

    My good friend Michelle pointed out with disappointment that I hadn’t posted anything to my blog for months. I made her what I hoped wouldn’t become a hollow promise: to post, or, in other words, to return to blogism. Well, Michelle, here it is.

    The Past

    I’ve been spending a lot of time lately transcribing my journal from my freshman year here at BYU. Some people think it’s depressing to read old journals, and I admit that from time to time I do find that to be the case, especially if I’m really dissatisfied with the now. But in recent weeks it’s been a very positive experience. Check out this long sequence (with some editing):

    Saturday, October 6, 2001

    General Conference!

    Ben and Brandon came to Utah this weekend for General Conference, among other things. They had an extra ticket for the afternoon session, and their uncle Harold had an extra standby ticket for Priesthood session. So we got to go to both!

    Waiting in line before the afternoon session, we met a girl from Pleasant Grove named Charlotte…. Anyway, we talked and after the afternoon session we ate dinner at a little diner on North Temple called Dee’s. We laughed, we had fun – those precious human interactions that are both impossible and meaningless to quantify. Charlotte summed it up when she said, “You know, it feels like I’ve known you guys for years.” It’s a pretty cliché line, but I totally agreed with her—it seemed like we were already friends, even before we met.

    Before Charlotte left and we went to priesthood meeting, I got her phone number and cellphone number. Here’s the final twist to the story: … five minutes after meeting Charlotte, I just had this feeling that I should ask her to the Homecoming dance.

    Tuesday, October 16, 2001

    Quick update:

    I asked Charlotte to Homecoming, which will be Friday night. Very stressful figuring this all out, but it will be fun.

    I’ve been running with Michelle on Tuesday and Thursday nights. Tonight we were running on the track by the stadium and she told me about this guy who Christie is interested in. He is 25 and he’s moving way too fast with Christie….

    Friday, October 19, 2001

    Tonight I went to Homecoming with Charlotte. First, I had to get some things done at school and otherwise, though. This morning I woke up later than I had planned, but I still wanted to take my Physical Science test before the American Heritage lab.

    Charlotte was supposed to pick me up at 6:30, and Dan and Michelle, too. (On my recommendation, Dan asked Michelle to go to the dance with him.)

    Charlotte ended up being about an hour late because I gave her 1460 N as our street instead of 1430 N. By the time we got to Macaroni Grill for dinner our reservations were long overdue, so we had about a 40 minute wait to be seated. In the meantime, the four of us walked around a little shopping center outdoors. Charlotte graciously blocked my view of “€œVictoria’s Secret”€ as we walked past it. We meandered around Border’s (a bookstore) for a while, then headed back to the restaurant just in time to be seated.

    Our table was near a gas fireplace that was burning just enough to keep gas from building up around it. We could still smell the burner gas though.

    On our paper table covering I drew in crayon a picture of a sun rising against a bold blue sky. In the bottom I wrote “€œCharlotte is my sunshine!”€ Of course, Charlotte had already written my full name in beautiful lettering on her portion of the paper. We cut our respective works of art out with my picket knife scissors and gave them to each other. (I left mine in the car though. I’ll have to get that for her….)

    After a delicious dinner, on, on to the dance! A crazy trip south on I-15 brought us to the Chillon Reception Center in Spanish Fork. We escorted our dates in the cool, gusty night to a large stone or brick building.

    OK, pause. One thing I really noticed tonight was that because it was cold, when Charlotte hooked her elbow in mine it was like she cuddled in for warmth. When girls do that, and they cling to your elbow like you’re a protector of sorts, it makes me so excited! It’s amazing how awesome it makes you feel!

    At the dance, Charlotte and I tried competing in the swing dance competition. We began dancing (quite well, in my opinion) but when the DJ started calling out couples’ numbers we got confused as we didn’t have one. So we weren’t really that much in contention, but we had a great time—the swing music was very refreshing.

    One time while we were dancing, I told Charlotte about my fears that she’d think I was stalking her when I called to ask her to Homecoming after just meeting her. She responded by saying that she didn’t have to give me her phone number—that was optional. Good point!

    After that dance—and some many great slow dances along with it—we rode home and said goodbye. Goodbye hug. Now a few hours later here I am.

    I had an awesome night! I’m pretty sure Charlotte did too! Yeah! Woohoo! Victory! She had fun!

    Saturday, October 20, 2001

    Due to going to bed very late lats night, I didn’t wake up until 11:30. That left me and everyone else in our apartment 2.5 hours to get ready for cleaning inspection. I was quite surprised how clean this place can really be if we work at it a little bit!

    OK, the real exciting part of my evening was when I got home at around 9 o’clock I quickly got a message saying that Charlotte called. I called Charlotte and, after “€œHello, how’re you doing?”€ etc. she told me that the reason she called was to say “€œthanks”€ for last night. I said, “€œOh, it was totally my pleasure. I’m glad to hear you had a good time!”

    I also told Charlotte that I left the paper she gave me at the restaurant in her car and would like to get it from her—a convenient excuse for us to have to get together sometime, I say!

    I really enjoyed talking to Charlotte tonight and look forward to seeing her again.

    On the other hand, I need to be particularly careful not to get too serious with any girls before my mission.

    Well, I’m off to bed!

    Wow, I was bold! Nowadays I’m waaaay more hesitant to do crazy things like ask girls in lines on dates. Darn hard life experience has lowered my expectations for such craziness, which is a shame, as it seems like we really had a great time.

    The Present

    I recently started a poem that I want to share:

    Dialectic

    Behold the brilliant vista,
    A world before us lays
    Enswirled all by mist, a-
    wash with golden rays.

    Why weep ye now upon this sight?
    You can’t believe what see your eyes?
    But it’s here, it’s real, it’s true, it’s bright!

    I see naught but clouds below.
    There is sunshine, but as well there’s rain.
    It’s not that I refuse to know
    The good; but that I’ve seen much pain.

    But in spite of having seen much more,
    Now I see much less than I could see before
    And it chills me to the very core.

    Light and dark:
    They call, they know our names.
    We cannot only to one hark
    For our path will lead both ways.

    Ah but what a sin you’ve found,
    Such gloominess as you think on!
    Turn your head up. Do not look down,
    And soon your gloom will all be gone.

    Think not of evil—it is wrong.
    Think not sad thoughts—life’s a song!
    Think not—or hearts will ache too long.

    Naive—you don’t understand.
    In fact, I would say you’re slightly blind,
    You insolent, odious man,
    For you think not of the mind!

    It has full well the pow’r to crush you.
    When you need to speak, it can quickly hush you.
    To fight it is to watch it mush you.

    To the friends at bitter odds
    Then came another soul
    Though by which lonely path he trod
    We do not—cannot?—know.

    He brought goodness, he spoke peace,
    (Somehow knowing what our friends did seek,
    But of which they never did speak), saying

    Peace is truth, goodness is real,
    Not naively, but in actual fact.
    It’s obscured by the things that you feel,
    ‘Times obstructed by the way that you act.

    Thus you wander about in a cloud
    Through your life as with a burial shroud,
    But your goal will never be found.

    Obviously the discussion amongst the friends and the inexplicably wise stranger is not complete, because the stranger has only barely introduced some of the themes of his position without really explaining it. There would have to be some exchange between him and the other two before a resolution could be brought about. Sadly, knowing my tendencies of starting and then abandoning poems, I don’t really expect to see that happen. But the poem has already served its purpose of helping me to think through conflicting views of life—both of which I have subscribed to at various points in my life, and both of which are clearly not optimal: the blindly optimistic view because it can’t help anybody, the more pessimistic because it ignores great joy that really is to be found.

    Oh, my sister recently introduced me to something that should be indispensable for anybody somewhat inclined to bookishness like myself: Shelfari.

    The Future

    I have one more month of school before graduating with a B.A. in Linguistics, and I’m terrified of facing The Real World once more.

    Terrified? Not so much, actually. I was terrified. That was before I “just happened” to get some interesting ideas. They could be summarized as code, quill, and casa.

    Code

    Google recently announced the Android Developer Challenge, a contest for good new applications developed for their Android mobile phone platform. Entries for the first round are accepted from January 2 to March 3, 2008, which is right when I start to have nothing to do because of graduating and as yet having no job. It also so happens that the work I’ve been doing for Dr. Ringger in the NLP Lab for the past several months has almost all been in Java—the primary language for Android development. Thus the relevant skills are very fresh at the top of my toolkit. And, once more, it just so happens that I’ve had an idea for a feature for mobile phones bouncing around in my head for almost the past year. Hmm….

    Quill

    I love to write. I think writing should be a part of my future. I’ve been getting lots of practice in the past year, and I’m getting to the point where I really just want to sit down and write a novel. You know, put in a couple of hours a day brainstorming, outlining, writing, revising. When will there be a better time in my life? I have no dependents, I have the luxury of doing so, why don’t I just give it a shot?

    Casa

    (Or maybe a better word is pueblo?)
    I feel like I need to go home. This feeling came shortly before my older sister offered to let me stay at her house in Washington. So starting sometime after my rental agreement ends at the end of April, I’m going to do just that. I don’t know if I’ll ever return to Provo. I mean, I might, but I just as likely might not. Yikes! I’ve been living here for six years and have come to be very comfortable. But, at the very least for a few months, it’s time to be home. And I’m such a romantic with regards to patria, my homeland. I really, really love it there — there’s something in me that only feels whole at home. I miss the wind, the smells, just those indescribable things that you would only fall in love with if you lived the first 18 years of your life there.

    The End

    No, not of my life, just of this post 🙂 It’s been quite a grab-bag, eh? And there’s so much more to think and write and say and do!

    My life is quite good right now, and I can only say that it is such only as I really seek to do what I know the Lord would have me do. It’s the seeming paradox of obedience: that as we voluntarily shift our activities from what we are naturally inclined to do, to what God wants us to do, we seem to be more able than ever to do the things that we really want to do. No, it’s not always simple; but in being real the gospel of Christ naturally exhibits all of the complexities of the real world, and likewise turns out to have overriding patterns and principles that are very powerful.

    ‘Tis true.

  • We Are Children of God

    What does this mean? Here are some ideas:

    The all-consuming fire of God’s love

    There is simply no end to it. I don’t claim to understand it because my imagination of love is generally limited by the degree to which I am able to love. But I can believe in the unendingness of his concern and his care.

    Confidence in self and faith in the future

    Father in Heaven plans and works continually for our good. It’s difficult to fathom because we often assume he is subject to the same limitations that we are, but he comprehends in exquisite detail the consequences of the happenings in our lives. He knows what he wants us to be. Don’t you suppose that each day angels are dispatched to set in motion the chains of events that ultimately bring great blessings into our lives?

    You are never alone

    Angels and the Holy Ghost are also sent to comfort us, to guide other people to help us, to helps us to live lives more fully and happily than we would on our own. Do you ever get the feeling that left up to your own devices things wouldn’t be going so well? Well, that’s because they wouldn’t be, and you aren’t left to your own devices!

    No farewells

    We will see our friends and family again when united before God’s throne. Of course we will say ‘goodbye’ to people, and we will miss those who step from mortality to immortality before we do. But there will be reunion! The tears we shed upon parting in this life will be dried in the next as we renew the sweetest associations we enjoy here.

    Life without an ending

    We will, in our happiest state or better, exist continually from now onward into eternity; death need not destroy our relationships, our personality, our hopes, our selves; we ought to treat each other well, because we could influence the quality of other people’s eternal existence by what we do and say; for those whose existence here makes them wish there was an end, there will come and end to their suffering.

    We can be so much more

    Let us lift our heads up to see a brighter vision, a nobler view of ourselves. In spite of our failings and deficiencies, in spite of the weaknesses that to us are blatant and inexcusable, because we are children of God we can be—we are—good. We can be kind, we can discover truth and fight to defend it, we can love fervently and endure hardship for the good of those we care for. [In Old English, God literally means good, after all. Children of good! How could we become something that our parent is not?]

    We can choose to follow him

    Because he is worthy of our trust and of being followed and emulated. Because there is no better companion for traveling the roads of our lives.

  • Sense and Sensibility

    Just watched “Sense and Sensibility” last night. The most striking thing to me in the story is how the main character (Elinor?) acts with perfect reservation and propriety throughout the whole movie, even at times to her own detriment, or at least the detriment of her social situation. We see her enduring, putting up with things, submitting herself to the “higher good” even when it doesn’t benefit her directly.

    Then, in the culminating moment, when she discovers that her true love – Edward – is not married, all of her trials and sufferings become worth it, for the object of them all finally falls within her grasp. Her gratitude, excitement, and joy are so overwhelming that she simply breaks down – really breaks down – and a lifetime of pent-up frustrations and struggles burst forth in tears of relief and joy. Such exquisitely sweet release from sorrow!

    I’ve seen similar, though certainly not quite as dramatic, things in my own pursuit of “love requited”. But the greatest implications are of a much more general scope. Each of us, except maybe the most hardened psychopaths whose consciences have been somehow silenced, has regrets for past mistakes. Through life we accumulate a baggage of frustrations, disappointments, hurts, and feelings of remorse and sorrow. Some bury these things in their hearts by turning cold toward the world, or claiming that they are above the shackles of human emotion and act on cool rationality alone. Those who refuse to so directly give up their humanity do it indirectly – through the bottle, or lives of waste or extravagance. Anything to distract oneself from the bitternesses of mortal life.

    But for each of us it is possible for a moment of release to come, just like the enduring Ms. Dashwood. When we humble ourselves to the point where we are able to accept the notion that Jesus Christ has suffered for our sins, our sorrows, and our pains, we will be able to transfer the bitter baggage we carry onto the shoulders of He who is merciful.

    “And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.” (The Book of Mormon, Alma 40:12)

    And from Isaiah: “He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:3-5)

    I am no religious zealot. I do not accept the notion of Christ as the Savior of mankind just because it’s a nice idea, or because my family does, or because I know nothing else. I accept Him because his Atonement for us all completes a picture that is otherwise hard to reconcile – the balance of justice and mercy, the relief from weakness and pain that is so needed in this world. I accept Him because his Holy Spirit tells me in my heart that He lives! Why does the world reject Him, when what He has to offer is exactly what they need?

    Pax in terra. It will come no other way than one heart at a time.