Accusations are being made (ahem… Gabe!) and it’s time to defend myself: no, I did not pretend to be out of the state in order to turn the thermostat down undetected and rob my beloved roommate of sleep. I suspect either an infestation of common thermostat gnomes, or perhaps a conspiracy by the management in their singleminded quest for ultimate energy efficiency. But let’s all keep a cool head lest the search for the perpetrator turns into a McCarthy-style witch-hunt. (I think I heard something about the formation of an “Apartment Un-American Activities Committee” before I took off for Washington,1 which is, to say the least, deeply troubling.)
I must also, as a matter of conscience, defend Kent. Based on many years as his roommate I can state without hesitation that his integrity in all matters thermal is unsurpassed. Though he is natively a South Dakotan, his time amongst the heat-lovers of California and Arizona made him aware of the devastating effects of cold on the unsuspecting and unprepared. To impugn the honor of Kent in this matter of utmost importance is insulting to his memory (may he and Dayna live on in peace!) and to his friends from every clime.
And one more thing, most important of all: knowing the accusations of hypocrisy that I will invite by so doing, I say that my esteemed, hypokinesthetized roommate must cease seeking the motes in the eyes around him until he has removed the beam from his own icy iris. Perhaps he himself turned down the thermostat in a desperate bid for attention. He’s crying out for help, help when his world is turning all wintry and fifty-degrees-ish. Come back from the edge, Gabe—it doesn’t have to be this way!
- Washington State, that is. [↩]