Category: family

Things _about_ my family.

  • In Memoriam J. P. H.

    This one’s a bit macabre—caveat lector!

    March first has known some tragedies.

    On this day in history, in 1910, the deadliest avalanche in U.S. history swept over the rail depot in Wellington, Washington, killing 96. (So heavy was the slab of ice and snow, that the last of the bodies weren’t retrieved until July of that year.)

    On March 1st, 1917, the Zimmerman Telegram was published, stoking fears that Mexico would—with German assistance—attempt to reclaim Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico. This ultimately precipitated America’s entry into World War I.

    On the night of March 1st, 1932, 20-month old Charles Augustus Lindbergh, Jr., was found missing. The toddler child of aviators Charles and Anne Morrow LIndbergh was found dead in a nearby field the following May.

    1954 was a big year on the March 1st tragedies front. I’m unsure of which came first, but I’m aware of these two:

    First in order if not chronologically: Lolita Lebrón led a group of Puerto Rican nationalists in attacking the U.S. House of Representatives. Fortunately, nobody was killed, though five Representatives were injured. As she was arrested, Lolita is reported to have shouted, “I did not come to kill anyone, I came to die for Puerto Rico!” She never did die for her homeland—she spent 25 years in prison, until Jimmy Carter (currently on hospice care) commuted her sentence in 1979. She remained an activist and died of a complications from a cardiorespiratory infection in 2010 at age 90.

    Also on March 1st, 1954, at 6:45 am local time, the United States detonated its most powerful atomic weapon, a 15 megaton hydrogen bomb dubbed SHRIMP, as part of the Castle Bravo test at Bikini Atoll, Marshall Islands, then part of the U.S.-administered Trust Territory of the Pacific Islands. The explosion was 2.5 times the expected 6 megatons (also cited as 3 times an expected 5 megatons) due to effects of the new lithium deuteride fuel. This high yield combined with an unexpectedly-“dirty” fission reaction to generate extensive fallout in the region, contaminating Rongelap and Utirik Atolls, and perhaps another. (Wikipedia is inconsistent on this.)

    (Diving deeper: the 1986 Compact of Free Association by which the Marshall Islands became independent of but “freely associated” with the United States [scare quotes because I don’t really know what that term means] provided for a Nuclear Claims Tribunal funded with an initial $150 million to disperse to victims of the fallout. $270 million were eventually distributed, but billions of dollars of judgments rendered by the tribunal remain unpaid by the United States. I’m no expert on the subject, having only read Wikipedia articles, but to me this seems a travesty.)

    (And hell, while we’re in the parenthetical zone, I’ll here observe that both tragedies for March 1st, 1954, have to do with American island possessions, which really we’ve not done right by.)

    The timeline’s not as clean on this one but work with me here: though locally it was March 2nd, 2:45 am, it was nevertheless still March 1st in much of the world when the Chilean volcano Villarrica began its 1964 eruption, eventually killing 22 and destroying half of the town of Coñaripe (es). Coñaripe was abandoned and resettled a kilometer away.

    A lot of nice things have also happened on March 1st’s, but that’s a different discussion!

    Twenty years ago to the day I was a Mormon missionary living in Latrobe, Pennsylvania (near PIttsburgh). On February 2nd I had recorded in my journal that our mission president whom I admired, Scott Cameron, had been diagnosed with colon cancer. And just days before on February 27th, local hero Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood fame had died.

    And on that day, twenty years ago, March 1st, 2003, my mom died.

    Of course, it is nothing compared to the mass casualties and the wars and uprisings and weapons of mass destruction and acts of God—but for me and for my family, it was everything.

    March 1st, 2003.

    Just felt the need to mark it here.

    I feel more tranquil these days about all that happened with Mom and also with Dad. But sometimes, I just need to feel the melancholy and the dark of it. It’s warranted, even half a lifetime hence.

    I’ll leave you with this Longfellow poem, off only by two years:

    The Cross of Snow

    In the long, sleepless watches of the night,
    A gentle face — the face of one long dead —
    Looks at me from the wall, where round its head
    The night-lamp casts a halo of pale light.
    Here in this room she died; and soul more white
    Never through martyrdom of fire was led
    To its repose; nor can in books be read
    The legend of a life more benedight.
    There is a mountain in the distant West
    That, sun-defying, in its deep ravines
    Displays a cross of snow upon its side.
    Such is the cross I wear upon my breast
    These eighteen years, through all the changing scenes
    And seasons, changeless since the day she died.

    I hope you all are well ❤️

  • Chapter 34: A Time To Mourn

    Doing some hiking up Buckley Draw just south of Slate Canyon in Provo

    The last year has been a hard one for me. I’ve come to the painful realization that my life in many ways is far from what I wanted. I always wanted to be faithful, but I’m a doubter. Always wanted to be connected, but in many ways I’m a loner.

    The dream I sought for years was that I would get past my doubts and finally come to know the truth, come to know that God loves me and that he’s an active part of our lives. But instead of closer to that dream I’m farther away than ever.

    My dream was to be firmly ensconced in a loving community, accepted for my contributions, loved in spite of my faults. But I no longer feel I belong where I’d built my life for so long.

    My dream was to be married to a woman I loved with all my heart, to be surrounded by children in a home filled with love. But I’m a failure at relationships. I don’t know how to be close to people. Anyone who tries eventual gets pushed away or put at a distance.

    My dream was to build a better relationship with my father. But he’s been dead almost three years, and my mom even longer.

    A lot of the time I’m fine. I can make life work with its ambiguities and disappointments. But ultimately the pain of these broken dreams comes to the fore and I find myself casting about for an anchor to hold on to.

    I’m in one of those times right now. I’ll pull through it. The crisis will recede sooner or later. But still these tensions will remain. I don’t know the long-term answer. I don’t know how to really make life work as a hypersensitive guy who’s struggled all his life, struggled to find a foundation, struggled to stay connected to the people that love him. I don’t know how to finally resolve all the memories, all of the past that I carry around inside of me, the tragedies that still ache for me years removed, for which there is no answer but mourning.

    But I suppose that is the answer. Mourning.

    How do you go about it? How can any mourning ever be sufficient? How can any tears ever make right entire lives of tragedy?

    I don’t know.

    But maybe that’s not what tears are for. They don’t make anything right. But they help us to accept that there is injustice in the world. And they help us to let go of the wrong.

    Anyway, this is the latest chapter in my life story. It’s not the story I set out to tell. But I guess that’s because I’m not the omniscient narrator: I’m really just a character. And I guess it’s taken 34 chapters for the character development to really come to a head. What will the next chapter bring? I guess we’ll all just have to keep reading.

  • My Beautiful Mother

    Not long before she died, Mom took a trip to California. While there, she had this picture taken. It's one of my favorites.
    One of my favorite photos of Mom, taken during her trip to California not long before she died.

    Just after Mom died, her friend, Diann Macbeth, wrote a remembrance of her based on decades of church service together, which my family has treasured ever since. I now share it in full:

    Janet, My Friend

    Occasionally someone enters our life so softly and gently that at first we scarcely notice they are there. Like a soft breeze on a hot summer day that cools and refreshes, they become balm for our frenzied lives, asking little but giving much. Janet was such a person. Our lives have crossed and crisscrossed for nearly 20 years. I was privileged to watch her work in the various church organizations to which she was called. She quietly did all that she was asked and a little bit more. Always desirous to learn from others she had no idea that she was also a great teacher of humility, love, and compassion. As she was never aggressive and was always content to stay in the background I could easily have missed her sweet and loving spirit, except one day I witnessed one of her truly beautiful smiles. It lit up her eyes and seemed to envelope me in such heartfelt warmth. I determined that I was foolish for having missed knowing her better and set about to rectify that. The Lord granted me my wish and we were called to work in the Young Womens together. I was in awe of the sensitivity and love she had towards the girls. She approached every lesson and assignment with 110 percent preparation and we were rewarded with not only that work, but also the inspiration from the Lord as He guided her in her desire to serve. She was one of my most cherished visiting teachers, and I delighted in the insights she gave to the monthly messages. Our children also extended our love towards each other as they interacted together. As a friend she was a real treasure—never judgmental or too busy for a word of praise or encouragement. My heart and soul will surely miss her presence as will so many others, but I know as sure as I breathe that someday we will get to exchange a loving embrace and be together again.

    Dianne Macbeth
    March 3, 2003

    My mother, Janet Patricia Watson Hansen, was a beautiful person. She struggled in life—oh, how she struggled! At times, each day was a challenge, and she couldn’t even get out of bed. But she was a good person. She was kind. She habitually sacrificed her own welfare for the benefit of others. She was non-judgmental almost to a fault, going far out of her way to try to imagine how another’s seemingly ridiculous or outrageous behavior might actually make sense from their point of view.

    Mom experienced life with an inward intensity that one would not suspect from her meek outward demeanor. She was highly sensitive and exposure to sights, smells, sounds, crowds, and other stimuli often overwhelmed her. The smallest slight could put her in tears. And yet the same sensitivity that made each day a struggle was also the source of her tenderness and kindness, her thoughtfulness, her love of animals, and so many of the sweet and wonderful things about her.

    In some of the old family photos and videos, you can catch Mom with a sort of pained and haunted look in her eyes, as here:

    Family Picture at Zinser HouseThose were the times when her demons tormented her, when the upsets of the world around her were too much for her sensitive soul and she drew inward in self defense.

    In other photos, you can see that she’s happy. Demons at bay, she felt safe and free to love and to take joy in life, as here:

    Impromptu familiy photo on a windy day at church.

    Mom suffered much, but she loved much. She needed much, but she gave much. She was, in her heart, just a sweet and peaceful girl from southern California who did the best she knew how to make the world a better place in spite of abuses suffered and a life that overwhelmed her. I wish things had been different. I wish she had found a better way past what haunted her. But she is gone, and this world that didn’t deserve her has been deprived of her gentle beauty these twelve years. I mourn her still.

    Mom's senior class picture for Marlborough High School in Los Angeles.
    Mom’s senior class picture for Marlborough High School in Los Angeles.